“Your Holiness, I have never been to Catholic confession before, but since you and I have some things in common, I figure what the heck.”
“Feel free to confess your sins to me, Barack.”
“I have committed no sins, Your Holiness. Only Republicans sin in this town.”
“Come now, Barack. Didn’t you tell many whoppers to get ObamaCare passed into law?”
“I said that if they liked their insurance policies and doctors, they could keep them - and that families would save $2,500 a year!”
“I applaud your efforts to expand insurance coverage, but since 2008, family policy costs have soared almost $5,000 a year. Deductibles are growing seven times faster than wages.”
“Hey, Your Holiness, you want to make an omelet, you got to break some eggs! We agree on climate change. My administration has been having a field day manipulating EPA regulations to clamp down on fossil fuels - who cares that satellites have detected no warming for more than 20 years.”
“God wants us to be good stewards of the Earth, Barack. Sure, my critics say I may be infallible in matters of the soul, but that my support of expansionist government policies like yours is naive - that such policies increase poverty.”
“Your Holiness, I like poor people so much, my economic policies have created 3 million more of them since I took office! How about my executive order on immigration, which will benefit Democrat politicians in swing states - I mean, that will benefit 5 million undocumented immigrants.”
“As you know, Barack, it is the weak that I seek to protect and I think that rich nations blessed with so much should do more to assist the strangers in their midst - particularly in this time of mass refugees from war-plagued regions. However, protecting the weak is one area where we differ.”
“How so, Your Holiness?”
“As I said in my speech to the Congress, it is our duty to protect and defend life at every stage of development. Your policies do not support this belief. You have favored policies that allow humans in the womb to be terminated - even in the last trimester of development.”
“But, Your Holiness, if my daughters make a mistake, I don’t want them getting punished with a baby!”
“Come now, Barack. Even your well-meaning health-care policy fails to defend life at every stage. ObamaCare has demanded that the Little Sisters of the Poor, an international congregation of Roman Catholic nuns who care for the elderly poor, purchase health insurance policies that fund contraception, abortive drugs and sterilization.”
“What’s the big deal? We can simply make their insurance carrier shuffle a little paperwork and nobody will know that the Little Sisters are still paying for that stuff.”
“This is an arrogant position your administration is taking, Barack. It is extremely troubling to me that you cannot see how your mandate is greatly inhibiting the freedom of the Little Sisters to live their faith freely through their mission. The breakdown of the family in your country is also troubling me.”
“How so, Your Holiness?”
“I know liberals in your country like to use me to support liberal policies, but let me be clear. God does not condemn gay men and women and perhaps governments should embrace civil unions. However, as unpopular as it may be, I believe it is God’s design that marriage be between one man and one woman.”
“There aren’t many votes in some of your positions, Your Holiness. How do we wrap up this confession thing?”
“With a penance that will hopefully bring you the wisdom you need to respond to the sizable challenges your country is facing. Have you ever considered a retreat, Barack?”
“Your Holiness, if you can get the land, I know some crony capitalists who can get us the lumber.”
Tom Purcell, author of “Misadventures of a 1970’s Childhood” and “Comical Sense: A Lone Humorist Takes on a World Gone Nutty!” is a Pittsburgh Tribune-Review humor columnist. Send comments to Tom at Tom@TomPurcell.com