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Obama fires the U.S. Army
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BEVERLY HILLS — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
President Obama cut the U.S. military budget by $40 billion Thursday at his Pentagon briefing. The cuts include tens of thousands of U.S. ground troops. It’s the first indication that the war with Iran won’t take any longer than the flight time from Germany.   
The CIA is investigating if the White House leaked film of the Osama bin Laden kill to Steven Spielberg for a movie. It would be released just before Election Day. The movie won’t help Obama win reelection because in this country, it’s always, who have you killed lately?
Rick Santorum emerged from Iowa as the latest GOP challenger to Mitt Romney this week. He is the sixth candidate to rise to the top in six months. Is the adultery rate in suburbia any surprise when we see how Republicans are always yearning for an alternative?
Mitt Romney entered New Hampshire with a big lead in the polls Thursday. He’s got a great campaign organization working for him. Mitt won the Iowa caucuses by eight votes Tuesday when his sister wives arrived from Utah just in time to put him over the top.
The GOP scheduled two presidential debates in New Hampshire Friday and Saturday of this weekend. The debates air at the same time as the NFL playoff games. To draw viewers, the GOP agreed to have the Lingerie Football League play a game during the break.   
GOP presidential candidate Jon Huntsman ran an ad in New Hampshire on Thursday saying that Americans are getting screwed. He’s trying to be shocking. If he can’t become president he may become the first Mormon to break the color barrier on Def Comedy Jam.
Newt Gingrich and Rick Santorum took turns bashing Mitt Romney as a closet liberal Thursday. It does looks awkward when Mitt tries to look conservative. At a restaurant in Iowa Monday he asked a waiter to recommend a wine that goes with chicken fried steak.
German citizen Harry Burkhart was charged in L.A. with setting 52 car fires. He was angry that his mom is getting deported home to Germany after she stiffed her plastic surgeon for her breast implants. It is the only crime in L.A. that’ll actually get you deported.  
North Dakotans were reported Wednesday to be spending their newfound oil wealth by buying up Arizona houses. The state is so grateful.
Sheriff Joe Arpaio needs some white people to pull over or the new immigration law will be tossed out for racial profiling.
Kodak announced it is preparing to file for bankruptcy protection Thursday. It’s due to progress. When you see that smart phones ended the careers of Michael Richards, Anthony Weiner and Kodak, it makes you realize that Steve Jobs may have been murdered.
GM recalled 8,000 Chevy Volts whose batteries catch fire on impact. The U.S. government is on the hook. The development of the car was taxpayer-subsidized, the purchase of the car is taxpayer-subsidized, and the fire department is taxpayer-subsidized.
Café Express Election Meter reported Friday that Ron Paul leads all other candidates in merchandise sales. He believes in the legalization of pot. One way to have people talking about you all night long is to have your campaign website printed on rolling papers.
(Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. E-mail him at