HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
U.S. Navy SEALs killed nine Somali pirates Tuesday while rescuing hostages during the State of the Union address.
You couldn’t miss the go signal.
President Obama said he envisions an America where everyone gets a fair shot, and then he winked three times at the camera.
Nancy Pelosi boasted Tuesday that she’s got dirt on Newt Gingrich that will keep him from becoming president.
What do we not know by now?
There’s already so much dirt on Newt Gingrich it looks like a salesman’s trying to demonstrate a vacuum cleaner on him.
Gingrich said Tuesday he didn’t mind Bill Clinton committing adultery in the Oval Office.
He minded him lying about it under oath.
In fact the only reason he’s running for president is because he needs a job with enough security to keep his wife out of the office.
Mitt Romney revealed in his tax returns that he makes $20 million a year in investment income.
He’s now spending $100 million to get a job that pays $400,000 a year. Even as a child he liked to mow lawns for a few extra bucks. 
Bubba Watson bought the old Dodge Charger on the Dukes of Hazzard.
It’s nicknamed the General Lee with a Rebel naval jack on top, and its horn plays Dixie.
After Obama promised Tuesday to raise taxes again, the rich are starting a secession movement.
Demi Moore was taken by ambulance to alcohol and drug rehab Tuesday.
She’s lucky to be alive.
They should outlaw that Obama speech drinking game where you do a shot every time he says the word fair, the paramedics are buying Ferraris with all the overtime.
Warren Buffett was revealed to own the railroad that’ll transport Canadian oil to Texas now that Obama’s canceled the Keystone pipeline.
It’s all clear now.
Obama will only say it’s really unfair that the railroad engineer has to pay a higher tax rate than Warren Buffett.
L.A. Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa deputized city inspectors Monday to make sure actors are wearing condoms while shooting porno movies at studios.
It’s tough to find qualified inspectors.
Most of the people who have had experience with porn have gone blind by now.
The Getty Museum opened an exhibition of seventeenth century paintings by French and Italian and English masters.
It speaks through the centuries to us. The Italians use art to glorify God and the French use art to glorify love and the British prefer self-portraits.
CBS News said energy efficient office windows are reflecting sun rays which melt the plastic bodywork on Priuses in parking lots.
The beams are red-hot. In the competition for U.S. taxpayer subsidies, green technologies are starting to kill each other like Iraqi tribes.
(Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.)