BEVERLY HILLS — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
President Obama gave a speech to the Muslim world Wednesday and vowed that the United States will never be at war with Islam.
He added helpfully that Islam has done much to shape America.
For instance, New York used to be a little taller than it is right now.
Obama marked Veterans Day on Thursday while he was at the Group of Twenty summit in Seoul.
He praised the U.S. troops who fought to make the South a free country.
It drew applause even from Republicans and then they realized he meant Korea.
House Democrats drew up plans Friday to try to pass amnesty for illegal aliens during the lame duck session.
They likened the hiring of illegal aliens to owning slaves.
The logic goes, what the signature of Lincoln taketh away, the trunk of a Lincoln restoreth.
The Federal reserve decided Monday to buy up $600 billion in U.S. Treasury bonds, in effect printing the money.
The U.S. government doesn’t like the idea of selling all our bonds to the Chinese.
An hour after you get paid, you’re broke again.
Michael Jackson’s estate made millions more from the superstar’s legacy Friday as Sony greenlighted the Michael Jackson Video Game. The game is really authentic. The instructions on the box read that the game is for kids 12 years of age and under.
Phoenix Sky Harbor Airport flight attendants protested the TSA’s new order to grope women’s breasts looking for volatile chemicals. Say it ain’t so.
If silicone can be made into a bomb, Los Angeles women may be taking the bus to Vegas for the rest of their lives.
The FDA announced Wednesday cigarette makers must begin printing larger graphic warnings on cigarette packs listing all the ways the smoker is about to die.
It’s way over the top.
Someone needs to tell the FDA it’s a federal crime to threaten the president.
Sears announced Wednesday it will be open for business on Thanksgiving Day. It’s a diversion that will save lives.
Whenever families come together annually they need to have something to do besides sit at a table and drink wine within reach of a carving knife.
Bill Clinton had a baby named after him when Current TV reporter Laura Ling, whom he freed from North Korean captivity last year, gave birth.
He negotiated her release and flew back to the U.S. with her.
It is customary in Korean culture to name a baby after its father. 
Carnival Cruise ship Splendor was tugged into San Diego Thursday after a power outage left passengers without first-class amenities for days. Awaiting families cheered as they got off the ship.
Every nation has its own version of the Chilean miner rescue.
Sarah Palin’s Alaska debuts Sunday on TLC allowing Sarah to show off her beautiful state. She’s a born star.
Sarah Palin is not the first woman to climb a glacier but she is the first one ever to insist she be accompanied by hair and make-up people all the way to the top.   
George W. Bush admits in his memoir Decision Points that he is frightened of horses. When he was a little boy in Texas he fell out of the saddle and got his feet tangled up in the stirrups. The manager of the grocery store had to come outside and turn off the electricity.
(Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.)