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Party down with the Father of our Country
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God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Mount Vernon Museum said it’ll begin distilling the rye whiskey that George Washington used to brew on his Virginia plantation. He distilled rye whiskey, he brewed beer, he grew tobacco as well as hemp. Throughout the Colonies, he was known as the Father of Spring Break.
Piers Morgan left CNN saying Americans don’t like to watch Brits discussing America. He is so right. Between our English language, our English laws, our Anglo-Saxon blood and Queen Elizabeth’s 90 percent approval rating in America, we don’t like being judged by foreigners.
The Academy Awards show airs live on ABC Sunday from the Dolby Theater on Hollywood Boulevard. Everyone in the movie business will be sitting in the theater. There’s only one other place where all the stars traditionally gather at one place, and that’s the Betty Ford Clinic.
The Brooklyn Nets’ new signee Jason Collins became the first openly gay player to play in an NBA game Sunday. It’s like a breath of fresh air. After three games he’s already set a league record for most number of consecutive days without being served with a paternity suit.
The Independence Bowl in Shreveport severed its advertising ties to Advocare Monday and signed on with Duck Commander. It’s the duck call made by the gay-boycotted Duck Dynasty family. Watch for a halftime show with the worst choreography in bowl game history.
Arizona’s governor Jan Brewer weighed vetoing the bill that allows businesses to refuse service to gays after the NFL threatened to take the Super Bowl away. What a stand. The NFL strongly believes that racist and homophobic attitudes have no place in America outside the locker room.
The NFL may pass a rule penalizing a team 15 yards if a ref hears a player saying the N-word on the field. How’ll the referees know who said the word? They’re all wearing helmets, and they are all wearing mouthguards, and in Arizona the crowd is the 12 man on the field.
George W. Bush holds an art show of his paintings at his presidential library in April. His health is much improved. George W. Bush was president for eight full years even though he suffered two nagging medical problems, electile dysfunction and premature congratulations.
Psychology Today published a study of human brain maturity by Princeton researchers Friday. It found that people don’t become adults until they are 25 years old rather than 18. They also believe that middle age begins the moment you eat at a Denny’s sober.
Home Depot announced it’s been forced to cut health insurance benefits for its part-time workers at the stores due to the expense of Obamacare. The CEO of Home Depot said he had a hard time breaking the news to employees. That’s because it took him three hours to find one.
South Africa Olympic hero Oscar Pistorious went on trial for murdering his girlfriend. He says he accidentally shot her through his bathroom door thinking she was a burglar. The alibi is so bad, Apartheid is now the second-most embarrassing thing South Africa’s had to live down.
Mexican drug lord Joaquin Guzman sat in a Mexican jail Tuesday as U.S. authorities tried to have him extradited. The arrest of him and his smugglers could cause the price of cocaine to double. Just when Los Angeles real estate starts to recover the city gets walloped by inflation.
A Northern California couple were walking on their property on Tuesday and found $10 million in old gold coins inside a can in the ground. It’s the largest cache of gold coins ever found. It’s just enough to keep them in California one more year to see if things can turn around.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at