God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Amazon reported huge online sales on Cyber Monday that set a new one-day record for volume. It’s so convenient online. There’s next day delivery, you never have to leave home and stomping on the plastic bubble wrapping is much cheaper than anti-depressants.
Amazon’s Jeff Bezos revealed plans to have Amazon deliver packages by drones. At least they’ll be delivering gifts. When Pakistanis look out the window and see a drone heading for the door they’ll know they’ve got a 50-50 chance of enjoying a nice surprise.
The Los Angeles Lakers signed veteran superstar Kobe Bryant to a two-year deal for fifty $50 million last weekend. However after ten days the contract is not legally official. The Los Angeles Lakers have not signed it yet because Kobe refuses to pass the pen.
U.S. high school kids tested far behind kids from other advanced industrial nations in math, science and reading scores Tuesday. We’ll survive. The good news is, for the 224th straight year, American kids finished first in the Shooting Bee.
The Youthful Cities Index named Toronto is the world’s most youthful city Friday. The survey asked four questions and arrived at Toronto. They asked how diverse is the city, is the music scene active there, do the coffee shops have WiFi, does the mayor smoke crack.
The State Department admitted it spent half a million dollars last year on liquor. There’s an explanation. The secretary of state was married to Bill Clinton and her assistant was married to Anthony Weiner so the liquor expense was written off under humanitarian aid.
President Obama claimed progress in the War on Terror in his presidency during an ABC interview Friday. That’s true. For eight years, George W. Bush said terrorists hate us for our freedom and prosperity and today they have to think of a new reason to hate us.
France’s top porn website crashed after a World Cup qualifying match Monday. The owner promised free viewing if France won. Morale sank when President Obama stood outside the White House and assured France that the website will be up and running soon.
President Obama invited more people to visit the Obamacare website Tuesday. They are going to love the rate increases. The Obama website can handle only one-tenth the hourly volume that Porn Hub does, yet more people get screwed on the Obamacare website.
Bernie Madoff’s staffers went on trial for their part in his $60 billion Ponzi scam. He took money from new investors to pay off old investors and skimmed off the top. Bernie Madoff is in prison where his job is running the Social Security Administration.
The Hollywood Wax Museum donated wax figures of the stars to ride in the Christmas parade including the Kardashians. Tourists love to touch these statues in the museum. They’re made from the same wax, plastic and silicone that real celebrities are made out of.
New York animal rights groups asked a court to rule that chimps are so near human they must not to be used for research, comedy or incarcerated in a zoo. That’s how liberals view it. If Tarzan and Jane had been Republicans, Cheetah would have been a coat.
Federal Express and Domino’s pizza said Tuesday they plan to use drone aircraft for delivering packages and pizzas. Don’t expect flyover country to play along. A year from now, hunters in Kansas will be looking forward to drone steak an hour after they get home.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.