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President? What president? -- Argus Hamilton
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LA JOLLA — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
President Obama went on ESPN Wednesday and announced his NCAA tournament’s Sweet Sixteen picks. He loves sports. The closest he came to mentioning Japan was when he predicted that the Albuquerque Isotopes will win the Pacific Coast League this summer.
Japan’s earthquake shut down Toyota’s Prius plant in northeastern Japan last week until further notice. It hit Al Gore pretty hard. The Prius is so environmentally friendly that it tries to run you off the road so you’ll be forced to take public transportation.
Obama assured Californians Thursday the nuclear plume from Japan was not dangerous. Not that danger would get anyone’s attention out here. If the emergency siren in Los Angeles doesn’t sound like a cell phone ring tone, nobody will think it’s for them.
Cal Tech scientists backed the president Thursday, saying the nuclear plume poses no danger to Southern California. It didn’t spoil the St. Patrick’s Day fun in L.A. That’s when everyone wears their green card pinned to their shirt to keep from getting pinched.
Obama flew to Rio Friday where he will address Brazil from Rio’s famous Cinelandia plaza. It had to be epic. His speech was viewed by one hundred million Brazilians, which by amazing coincidence, is also the size of the federal budget deficit.
Hillary Clinton revealed Wednesday she will step down as Secretary of State after the first term ends. She said the job requires her to spend all her time away from home. That prompted Bill Clinton to call the president and volunteer to take her place.
The Centers for Disease Control said U.S. life expectancy reached a new high on Friday. Most of us now live to be seventy-eight. The next day House Republicans proposed that Social Security benefits begin to kick in at age seventy-nine.
Obama sought U.N. sanctioned air action against Moammar Khadaffi just as the rebels were collapsing Friday. The world waited three weeks for the president’s decision. The Obama Doctrine states that the U.S. is in favor of everything and nothing except, of course, when it’s not.
The White House agreed last week to extend Geneva convention protections to al-Qaeda fighters captured while attempting terror attacks. They can’t be tortured any more under questioning. All they have to give is their name, rank and serial killer.  
Charlie Sheen tweeted Monday he’s writing a movie about his life in the Hollywood fast lane. He’s encouraged by the response. Charlie doesn’t have a studio movie deal yet but Kinko’s is really interested in the idea of making multiple copies of his screenplay.
(Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. E-mail him at