They’re partying at the Cracker Barrel. Wings are flying out of Hooters. The Olive Garden’s endless breadsticks have been depleted. Wherever Republicans celebrate, cans of Bud Light are being hoisted and the karaoke machine is smoking, because for the first time all year, the Party of Lincoln accomplished something.
Despite being stymied by internecine warfare for 11 months, the GOP came together at the 11th hour to pass a landmark tax reform bill that President Trump referred to as “an incredible Christmas gift for hard working Americans.” Apparently, by “hard working Americans,” he meant everyone who owns a private jet seating more than 11.
The vast majority of benefits from the “Tax Cut and Jobs Act” don’t just go to the rich, but to the extremely rich. Why? Because excessively rich people need more money, that’s why. The rest of us are expected to do better by scavenging when very rich people’s plates runneth over.
As Iowa Senator Chuck Grassley pointed out, you can’t give tax cuts to the middle class because they “are just spending every damn penny they have, whether it’s on booze or women or movies.” Which admittedly does sound like the makings of one fine weekend in Vegas.
Through a straight party line vote, anybody who makes less than $500,000 was ceremoniously tossed a couple of the overflow crumbs while millionaires get to eat cake and billionaires added another line of franchised bakeries to their portfolio. This is the tastiest tax break in years.
You could say the bill was rushed. You could also say that sitting on a cast iron park bench in the Yukon at midnight in February gets brisk. In order to weave this piece of legalized larceny through the maze of their own special interest factions the GOP promised recalcitrant Congresspersons enough favored amendments to stuff a goose the size of Wyoming.
Many were added at the last minute. Some additions were so late they couldn’t be typed into the document, but had to be scribbled in the margins. It’s the first tax reform legislation that looks like it was illegibly scrawled by a third- grader while riding the bus to school.
The plan not only adds $1.5 trillion to the deficit, but the cuts for rich people are permanent while the ones for the poor expire. Which we should all do soon and decrease the surplus population. It a not unprobable outcome since, oh yeah, this so-called reform also manages to push 13 million Americans out of their insurance. That’s known as adding injury to insult.
Many people are saying the President lied when he promised impossibly fantastic returns emanating from his tax reform but looking close, you can see he told the truth. For instance, that part about being able to do your taxes on a postcard, that was true - you’ll just need a really, really, really big postcard.
And remember when he promised the tax plan would not be good for him, well, it isn’t good for him, it’s greeeeeaaat!! It is estimated he’ll save 30 million dollars a year, even down the road when middle class taxes go up. He stole from the poor to give to the rich. Songs will be written about this new Robbing Hood.
Alas, due to FCC language restrictions none will be played on AM radio.

Will Durst is an award-winning, nationally acclaimed columnist, comic and former sod farmer in New Berlin, Wisconsin.