God bless America, and how’s everybody?
South Africa’s first post-Apartheid president Nelson Mandela died at age 95 Thursday at his home near Johannesburg. The great man spent 27 years in jail before serving in public office. In America we do it the other way around.
The Weather Channel reports an arctic front chilled the South on Friday. It left roads iced up by below-freezing winds and blizzards. Legislatures from Oklahoma to South Carolina are debating whether to fly the Confederate flag again just to get things heated up.
Carrie Underwood starred in a live broadcast of the Sound of Music Thursday night staged on Broadway and aired on NBC. The idea of a country music star playing Maria rankled New York critics. You could hear them all on the second row rooting for the Nazis.
The White House admitted the Obamacare website may fall prey to hackers. Pop-up ads hacked onto the site are plaguing applicants. The new Surgeon General nominee advised enrollees if a pop-up lasts longer than four hours, consult a physician immediately.
Fox sold out all its commercial advertising time for the Super Bowl Thursday at $4 million per 30 seconds. No ads for political causes. The Super Bowl won’t allow any issue ads on Super Bowl Sunday, except for the issue of whether or not cleavage sells beer.
Elton John dared the Russian government to cancel his upcoming concert in Moscow Tuesday, saying he will speak out for gay rights. Free speech doesn’t have a long history in Russia. Moscow has the only comedy club in the world with a cemetery on the premises.
Toronto cops wiretapped gang members boasting they’ve got photos of Mayor Rob Ford doing heroin. He’s in real legal trouble now. Doing heroin may not breach his oath of office but it does violate his exclusive endorsement deal with the makers of crack.
A French airliner was grounded and quarantined in Toulouse Thursday over fears of a swine flu outbreak onboard. You can’t get it from eating a pig, but you can get it from kissing the pig. Jerry Springer had better tape ahead if he doesn’t want to run out of guests.
The Washington Post divulged Ed Snowden’s leaks that the NSA monitors every call made in America. The spy agency uses the law of subtraction. Any call made in the U.S. that isn’t phone sex or a pizza order, nine times out of 10 it’s al-Qaeda planning something.
Florida State quarterback James Winston was cleared of sexually assaulting a college co-ed by local prosecutors Thursday. There are four girls to every boy on this campus. The first thing that veterans tell young quarterbacks is, relax and let the game come to you.
A Harvard poll Tuesday said only a fifth of young adults are planning to enroll in Obamacare. That’s fixable. All the president has to do is offer to cover medical marijuana and young adults will enroll in Obamacare just in time for next year’s glaucoma pandemic.
The White House admitted President Obama lived with his illegal immigrant uncle Onyango thirty years ago when he went to law school at Harvard. It was personal information until now. President Obama had to enroll in Obamacare so the hackers were going to find out anyway.
Mexican police found the missing radioactive cobalt stolen from a medical transport truck Wednesday. The thieves opened up the container and exposed themselves to the cobalt. Police are looking for two rapidly balding men who light up every room they enter.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.