HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Congressman Anthony Weiner allegedly tweeted a below-the-waist photo of an aroused man in his underwear to his followers and couldn’t deny it was a photo of himself.
Of course it was him.
For decency’s sake, Democrats need to keep their pants on and their cellphone cameras off whenever they’re alone in their office looking at a spending bill.
The White House was revealed Tuesday to have doubled the number of limousines in the U.S. government fleet for use by U.S. officials.
There are now 500 government limos carrying government officials around Washington.
However, the administration insists on environmentally-friendly limousines, so each limo comes equipped with an electric blender.
The Supreme Court upheld Arizona’s new law punishing employers and farmers who hire illegal aliens.
Every farm worker must now be able to prove he’s a U.S. citizen.
If you want to know how it’ll affect prices, Gordon Liddy is urging TV viewers to sell their gold and buy lettuce.
NASA’s Space Shuttle Endeavour was scheduled to return this week, ending three decades of U.S. spaceship travel to and from the International Space Station.
From now on we’ll pay the Russians to take us up there and back. There is nothing more American than foreign cab drivers.
Osama bin Laden’s plans to attack Los Angeles with a nuclear dirty bomb were uncovered by CIA agents at his compound. However, he decided to call it off.
Hollywood was founded by maidens tied to the railroad tracks and it was saved by porn actresses serving as human shields.
Hillary Clinton returned from Islamabad last week and announced that Pakistan is a good partner. She’s famous for her judgment in that department.
Hillary Clinton calling Pakistan a good partner means that they’re cheating with the Taliban and lying to the grand jury about it.  The World Health Organization issued a medical report Tuesday saying that holding a cell phone up to your ear can cause brain cancer.
It’s more dangerous for men. Holding the cell phone up to your underwear and taking a photo can end your career in Congress and in the NFL.
Germany denounced Iran for denying airspace to Chancellor Angela Merkel’s plane when she flew home to Berlin from India Tuesday. They called it insulting and provocative.
If war breaks out between Germany and Iran, Israel’s military can take its first vacation in 60 years.   
Charlie Sheen placed his Mulholland Drive estate in Beverly Hills up for sale for $7 million, Friday.
That sounds about right.
The appraiser’s report said the land’s worth $1 million, the house is worth $2 million and the cocaine in the carpet is worth at least $4 million.
(Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.)