HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
President Obama was in Kansas Tuesday to commemorate Teddy Roosevelt’s speech there a century ago.
It called for corporations and rich people to give up their wealth for the common good.
Today Republicans refer to this speech as the first successful test of LSD.
Tim Tebow was the talk of the NFL Monday after leading the Denver Broncos to their sixth victory in seven starts as quarterback.
His open display of faith is starting a religious war.
It says clearly in the Old Testament that NFL football will have no other Gods before it.
The White House said Monday it wants the women’s morning-after-pill sold over the counter.
It would need no prescription. A
nd just to be on the safe side drug makers have also invented the men’s morning after pill that changes your DNA and your phone number.
Supermodel Christie Brinkley promised Monday she would pay back the half million dollars she owes the IRS.
She’s still a complete knockout.
The IRS agents were all set to arrest her, then she smiled at them, and they’re passing the hat for her as we speak.       
The National Archives acquired every tweet ever made Monday from Twitter’s tweet bank.
Don’t worry about privacy.
The tweet bank will be sent to the U.S. government which will give it to the Federal Reserve, which will loan it to Greece, where it will be lost forever.
The Postal Service announced Monday it will close half the nation’s letter processing centers.
It’s to cut costs.
The new Christmas postage stamp shows Mary and Joseph going into Bethlehem on a donkey, with a second donkey behind them carrying the Express Mail.
The House of Representatives voted Thursday to end the $3 check-off box on tax returns that helps to fund presidential elections.
The idea was flawed from the very beginning.
If God had wanted us to have elections, he would have given us candidates.
Congress heard testimony Monday that no fence can seal the Mexican border.
They can always build a higher ladder.
The only thing that works is a bad economy, allowing Barack Obama to boast he has the best record in 40 years of halting illegal immigration.
South Carolina legalized incandescent light bulbs to defy the federal ban on them in January.
Energy-saving fluorescent will be the law.
The only thing that burns as brightly as incandescent bulbs is whale oil, and lately people have been going to Sea World just for the souvenir reading lamps.
David Duke was arrested in Germany as he was about to speak to a neo-Nazi meeting in Cologne Friday.
He was once head of the Ku Klux Klan.
David Duke was arrested under Germany’s strict laundry laws which don’t allow you to mix white sheets with brown shirts.
Cal Berkeley astronomers said Monday they discovered two huge black holes on the edge of the universe.
Black holes are gluttons that eat up galaxies, stars and suns.
NASA is under pressure from Democrats to stop giving away toys with every Solar System Meal.   
Queen Elizabeth agreed to a pay freeze and a 15 percent reduction in palace staff in Parliament’s new budget.
She’ll rent out rooms in St. James Palace during the Olympics.
To further economize, Her Majesty will be driven around in a Chevy Volt pulled by four horses.
The American Heritage Dictionary changed its definition of anchor baby Monday to term it as offensive after pressure by Hispanic groups.
Things have really changed.
For the first time in two hundred years you have to press two to read the dictionary in English.
(Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.)