HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?   
The White House dismissed a poll showing a fourth of Americans think President Barack Obama is Muslim.
The misinformation is widespread.
Tiger Woods is just relieved he got adultery out of the way before an executive order makes it a beheading offense.
The Boston Herald ripped President Obama for playing golf Sunday and not going to church on Martha’s Vineyard. The island was originally a Methodist spiritual retreat. That means a golf course was there 100 years before the church arrived.
Obama couldn’t swim on Monday because the coastal water is contamination by fecal matter.
A president of the United States shouldn’t have to swim through fecal matter. The whole idea of a vacation is to escape from your day-to-day office routine.
New York construction workers signed petitions not to build a mosque at Ground Zero Monday. The site could get hostile.
Muslims are crazy if they think New York construction workers aren’t going to whistle at a woman just because she’s in a burka.   
New York was the site of angry street protests Sunday against the construction of the Ground Zero mosque in Manhattan.
There’s a double standard. We’re waiting to see if Iran lets anyone build a church near Ground Zero in Teheran after next week.
George W. Bush was urged Sunday to help Obama and back the Ground Zero mosque.
The street protests are getting larger and angrier every day. The mosque has replaced Puerto Rican Independence Day as the biggest goldmine of police overtime.
Obama scheduled a speech marking the withdrawal of U.S. troops from Iraq Sunday. The same day the Pentagon said tribal warfare may keep U.S. troops in Iraq many years.
It has Americans admiring salmonella for at least having an exit strategy.   
Iran celebrated its armed forces day Sunday by unveiling its first unmanned drone bomber that travels six hundred miles. The Iranian government named the drone the Ambassador of Death. So it proves that Iran has diplomatic relations with someone.
The Justice Department started advertising Monday for linguists who are fluent in Ebonics to listen in on federally authorized wiretaps.
Ebonics is described by scholars as Black English. Investigators were troubled when they realized they can’t tell whether a Congressional Black Caucus member is ordering a cover-up or a pizza.
The TSA began giving enhanced palm-forward patdowns to passengers at Las Vegas airport Monday. They get you both ways.
The patdowns going into Vegas are to prepare you for having sex with strangers and the patdowns leaving Vegas are for loose change.
(Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.)