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The New Republican Tar Pits
Raging Moderate
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It’s kind of sad being forced to watch the death struggle of these modern-day dinosaurs. Responsible parents should keep their kids from peering over the Plexiglas railing into the tar pits below to see the huge lumbering antediluvian beasts frenziedly dig themselves deeper into the sticky morass that is gay marriage. Not a sight for the queasy or squeamish.
For some unfathomable reason, the thought of other people having sex makes certain folks crazier than a three-legged drunken squirrel on a telephone wire covered in ice. Judge Roy Moore, the Chief Justice of the Alabama Supreme Court, is one of those; and frankly, his obsession is becoming more than a mite suspicious.
Last week, Moore ordered probate judges in the Yellowhammer State to ignore a federal court order and refuse to issue marriage certificates to gay couples. Like the Civil War, these guys are programmed to never give up. Hey, South! Get over it. Unless you have compromising photos of US Supreme Court Justice Anthony Kennedy with a baby brontosaurus, gay marriage is a done deal. And guess what, you lost. Again. Deal with it.
This happens to be the very same Chief Justice Roy Moore who was kicked out of the very same office 12 years ago after ignoring another federal court order to remove a two and a half-ton granite block inscribed with the 10 Commandments from the rotunda of the Alabama Judicial Building. Guy’s caught in a loop. The Mobius Judge.
You could say he’s not big on federal court orders. You could also say that Alabama is so far on the wrong side of history, they have a better chance of running into a herd of Stegosaurus than a fleet of Prius. Which they would call, one of their states’ rights.
See, it’s not the law that’s important, it’s what Judge Moore thinks Jesus wants that’s important. Mohammed, Buddha, Krishna, Zoroaster, Confucius, Joe Smith, not so much. That the top adjudicator of the state is unable to figure out that displaying the Ten Commandments promotes one religion over others and is in direct opposition to the US Constitution does not bode well. The fossilized remains of George Wallace are alive and well and walking around in Alabama.
They seem to be doing okay in Kansas as well; where Governor Sam Brownback issued an executive order rolling back rules that prohibit discrimination on the basis of gender identity and sexual orientation. The Friends of Dorothy are not welcome in Kansas. Anymore.
Experts see the governor’s move a transparent attempt to distract Kansans from his tax policies, which cut education and taxes on the rich at the same time. And the citizens of Kansas are beginning to suspect Brownbackian roots as the reason why their economy sucks. So now the state is morally and financially bankrupt at the same time.
The United Dixie White Knights branch of the KKK released a statement on their website supporting Judge Moore, complete with more than a few spelling errors. Couple pieces of advice. One: if you want to be taken seriously, hire a 12 year old familiar with spellcheck to run your website. And two: If any one of your positions is ever supported by the KKK, you might want to think again. Or risk extinction. Like those dinosaurs.
Will Durst is an award- winning, nationally acclaimed political comic. Email Will at