BEVERLY HILLS — God bless America, and how’s everybody?   
New York police began an investigation Tuesday after learning that 30 pounds of cocaine was delivered to the United Nations mailroom last week.
The drug makes you euphoric, aggressive and ultimately paranoid. They put it in the coffee at the U.N. like sugar. 
Penn State fans suggested at Joe Paterno’s funeral Tuesday they petition the Vatican to ask the pope to make Paterno a saint.
He did perform the three miracles required to become a saint.
He beat Notre Dame, he beat Ohio State, and he died before he had to testify.
“Wheel of Fortune” host Pat Sajak said Sunday he and co-host Vanna White used to get drunk during tapings.
It’s a show business thing.
Normal Americans don’t know what it’s like living under the unbearable pressure of not knowing what letter’s turning up next.
Jay Leno drew protests from India after he showed a photo of a Sikh religious shrine and joked it was Mitt Romney’s summer home.
They believe in eye-for-an-eye.
The next day Jay Leno was bombarded by comedians in India making jokes about his auto collection.
The Weather Channel showed Texans dancing atop their flooded trucks Wednesday as heavy rainstorms ended the year-long-drought.
They’ll never forget this year. It was so bad that defensive backs were tackling low just to try to draw a little water on the knee.
Navy SEALs killed nine Somali pirates, saving hostages Tuesday. The pirates refused a $2 million ransom offer, so they got killed.
It shows college athletes you need someone more mature than a classmate to be your agent when you’re negotiating a contract.
The White House announced huge military budget cuts Thursday.
It will trim the U.S. Army and Marines by several hundred thousand troops.
Mitt Romney’s not even president yet and already we’re laying off soldiers to give Pentagon investors a higher return.
Stanford University professors just wrote a controversial book called “Is Marriage for White People?”
Newt Gingrich plans to read the last chapter first. If it turns out that marriage is not for white people he plans to argue that his personal life was never his fault.
Mitt Romney aired old TV interviews of Newt Gingrich ripping Reagan Tuesday.
Newt responded by revealing that Romney voted Democrat at the time.
They’re attacking each other so viciously that the Police Dog Academy used Thursday’s debate as a training video.
Warren Buffett’s secretary did talk shows after her tax rate became an argument for higher taxes on the rich.
It came out he pays her half a million a year.
That’s sixty grand to be his secretary and four hundred and forty thousand not to turn over the books to the IRS.
President Obama yelled at GOP Arizona Gov. Jan Brewer for criticizing him in her new book when she greeted him on the tarmac in Tucson Thursday.
They stood on the runway and argued for minutes.
Geese aren’t generally a problem for pilots this far west.
Apple Corporation made history when its stock hit $450 a share Tuesday. It pushed Apple past Exxon as the world’s highest-valued corporation.
It was a long bloody battle but Americans have finally made a choice between texting and driving.   
(Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.)