HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?   
President Obama will visit a New Mexico oil field today then fly to Oklahoma to talk with oil men. The Secret Service is concerned. It’s the first time a president has visited the enemy in person since Nixon went to China and Bill Clinton spoke at Promise Keepers.
L.A. Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa closed Santa Monica Beach to the public Sunday to give the L.A. Marathon a more pristine finish line.
It’s a mistake. It’s one thing for Moses to part the Red Sea it’s another thing for the mayor of los Angeles to close the Pacific Ocean.
San Diego weatherman Kyle Hunter filed a sex discrimination suit against CBS in Los Angeles. He claims he wasn’t hired because CBS only hires beautiful young women for on-air talent. If that’s true CBS is also open to a lawsuit from Fox News for stealing their act.
Obama’s re-election campaign reported raising $300 million so far for the fall doubling the GOP amount. It’s become quite an industry. Thanks to our perpetual presidential campaign America is now the world’s leader in waste management.
Mitt Romney thrashed Rick Santorum in the Puerto Rico primary Sunday. It could be a major turning point. Rick Santorum told Puerto Ricans they needed to learn English, pulling off the impossible task of making Mitt Romney look like he’s got the common touch.
Rick Santorum promised Monday to soon reveal new delegate math which will show he can defeat Mitt Romney by convention time. He feels has an equal chance even if he has only half the votes. Let the word go forth that home-school math rewards believers.
Little Rock’s airport commission voted to re-name their airport after Bill and Hillary Clinton. The airport’s two concourses face different directions. That means Hillary’s concourse is always looking the other way when a Piper Cub hooks up at Bill’s concourse.
Mexican drug cartel Knights Templar called for non-violence during Pope Benedict’s visit to Mexico. They want all guns down. It will be one of the three miracles needed for his sainthood if the shooting stops instead of starts when a German arrives in your country.
Venezuela President Hugo Chavez told his nation Sunday that he’s about to undergo radiation after being treated for cancer in Cuba. Being an enemy of the West can be unhealthy. Iran’s president is about to get radiation too, although his doctor hasn’t ordered it.
Obama faced calls from Democrats Monday to OK Keystone’s oil pipeline as oil prices rose. He doesn’t want environmentalists questioning if he is green. You never know when Sheriff Joe Arpaio is going to ask you to produce an earth certificate.     
George Clooney was in jail for only five minutes Friday after he was arrested during a protest at Sudan’s embassy in Washington D.C. It was good for second place. A Kenyan who was arrested at the same protest beat his time out the door by two-tenths of a second.
Tiger Woods’s ex-coach Hank Haney wrote Sunday that Tiger tore his knee six years ago training with the Navy SEALs. Now the story’s complete. Tiger always said he’d torn his knee while jogging he just forgot to add he was jogging out of Pakistan to avoid capture.
(Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.)