Apparently we were too quick to take Donald Trump at his word during the campaign. After a visit to the White House, a tour of the Capitol and a heart-to-heart with Lesley Stahl, Trump is furiously issuing clarifications. He told Stahl that law-abiding undocumented immigrants are “terrific people,” that President Obama is “very smart and very nice,” and that Bill Clinton is “very, very, really, very nice.”
More revisions are reportedly on the way, including:
What he said: “(I’m) calling for a total and complete shutdown of Muslims entering the United States...”
What he meant: “From now through New Years, Muslims and their families who stay for two nights at the Trump International Hotel in Las Vegas will get a third night free! As our website promises, ‘This is a place to live life without boundaries, limits or compromise.’”
What he said: “I will build a great, great wall on our southern border, and I will make Mexico pay for that wall. Mark my words.”
What he meant: “I will tell you, Home Depot has vinyl fencing, unassembled, with dog ear pickets. And, if we buy now, they offer free shipping.”
What he said: “When you’re a star they let you do it. You can do anything. Grab ‘em by the pussy.”
What he meant: “You know, Billy, there’s a fortune in making those cat videos for YouTube. People will watch anything with a pussy. You can tickle ‘em, stroke ‘em, even grab ‘em.”
What he said: “You could see there was blood coming out of her eyes. Blood coming out of her...wherever.”
What he meant: “I gotta say I love ‘The Walking Dead,’ but this guy Negan is a bad hombre. He clubbed poor Glenn and there was blood coming out of his eyes, his ears...wherever.”
What he said: “I could stand in the middle of Fifth Avenue and shoot people and I wouldn’t lose voters.”
What he meant: “You know, I’m a big fan of Instagram. Big fan. Sometimes I just walk out of Trump Tower on Fifth Avenue and shoot people and post it on Instagram and Facebook. It’s beautiful, really beautiful.”
What he said: “I would bring back waterboarding and I’d bring back a hell of a lot worse than waterboarding.”
What he meant: “At Mar-a-Lago we’re bringing back waterskiing. You know, I used to love waterskiing - it’s a hell of a lot more fun than synchronized swimming, which, by the way, a lovely Russian girl got a gold medal for at the Summer Olympics.”
What he said: “We’re going to repeal it, replace it, and get something great!”
What he meant: “Most of Obamacare will remain intact, but I want millions of Americans to also be covered when filling Garcinia Cambogia weight loss treatment prescriptions recommended by my good friend Dr. Oz.”
What he said: “Rosie O’Donnell’s disgusting both inside and out. You take a look at her, she’s a slob.”
What he meant: “Rosie O’Donnell’s disgusting both inside and out. You take a look at her, she’s a slob.”
Peter Funt can be reached at www.CandidCamera.com