HOLLYWOOD - God bless America, and how’s everybody?
ABC’s Diane Sawyer slurred words and giggled during Tuesday’s election return. She seemed drunk. After the non-drinking, non-smoking Mormon lost the election to the homebrew-drinking, chain-smoking president, she wanted to be on the right side of history.
President Obama won re-election Tuesday and Democrats picked up two seats in the Senate. Reaction was swift. So many Republicans are surging across the Canadian border that Canadians calling their banks already have to press one for a Canadian accent.
President Obama issued a stirring plea for unity during his victory speech in Chicago on Tuesday. His supporters cheered themselves hoarse in the ballroom. The mood was so jubilant in Chicago that everybody there agreed not to shoot each other until tomorrow.
President Obama’s supporters found out Tuesday that he won thirty-nine percent of the white vote. That’s the same percentage of white Americans who play golf. Apparently President Obama hooked his first term so far to the left they agreed to give him a Mulligan.
Mitt Romney was praised by the president and by Democrats following his gracious concession. He was swarmed by messages from wealthy Democrats. They all thanked Mr. Romney for his sportsmanship and admitted the garage elevator was a really cool idea.
The New York Yankees said they won’t try to sign free agent Josh Hamilton over fear of his drug and alcohol addiction. The city tries to meet you halfway. This past year the mayor resticted beer cups to sixteen ounces and the size of coffee tables to ten square feet.
Roger Goodell said Monday flat-screen, high-definition TV sets are such high quality they’re hurting NFL stadium attendance. The problem affects other sports as well. It may be no coincidence it was just announced Tuesday that the U.S. birth rate is at an all-time low.
Los Angeles County voters passed a measure Tuesday which requires porn actors to wear condoms while filming scenes. Producers say it’s a great opportunity for product placement. When they unroll the Coca-Cola billboard, it may cover all the production costs.
The Staples Center got the green light Monday to build its NFL Stadium in downtown Los Angeles. It will have a retractable roof and an indoor temperature of seventy-two degrees. This roof will keep Los Angeles fans warm when it’s seventy-one degrees outside.
Cleveland police reoprted Tuesday a convenience store robber in suburban Warren took the cash from the cashier and told him to vote for Obama. The robber is really sorry now. As soon as he put the cash in his pocket Obama declared him rich and took it all.
Barack Obama picked up the phone to call Bill Clinton the moment he was projected the winner of the presidential race Tuesday. The price was easy. All Bill wants is for Hillary Clinton to remain Secretary of State so she’ll be on the road for another four years.
MSNBC’s Chris Matthews thanked God for Hurricane Sandy during Tuesday’s election telecast. He loved how the deadly hurricane raised Obama’s poll numbers. MSNBC has become such a cult that the next time the Hale-Bopp comet flies by they’re going to be on it.
Masschusetts voters elected Harvard professor Elizabeth Warren to the U.S. Senate Tuesday, a Senate seat long-held by Teddy Kennedy. Her false claim of Indian blood didn’t hurt Warren. When it turned out she was not an Indian as she’d claimed, the voters figured she could probably handle alcohol better than Teddy and sent her to Washington.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.