HOLLYWOOD-Happy Tuesday, everybody, and God bless America.
The White House announced a one hundred billion dollar budget surplus for next year on Friday. It’s no secret how. The U.S. Senate voted to tax Internet sales Thursday one day after Pfizer began selling Viagra online and the cash is rolling in faster than we can count it.
The U.S. Embassy in Tripoli was threatened by street protests over Western presence Friday. The U.S. and Britain warned Libyan street militias to keep away. The White House described the situation as just an anti-Muslim video away from being our fault again .
Prince Harry landed in the U.S. Friday for a week of military athletic competition and polo matches. All eyes are on him. If Prince Harry can just keep his bathing suit on this trip he will show he can keep everything covered up better than the State Department can.
President Obama reportedly ordered Hillary Clinton to clean up the Benghazi attack mess last fall. It was a direct order. The first day and second day, he didn’t see anything but on the third day the swelling was down and he was able to see a little out of his left eye.
ABC News said the White House deleted references to a terrorist attack in Benghazi last fall. It was changed to mob anger over an anti-Muslim video. President Obama has been in Hollywood so many times that his first reaction to a bad scene is to order a rewrite.
The White House issued new embassy personnel guidelines Friday. They guarantee rescue. From now on, every U.S. embassy must include a gay basketball player, an illegal alien and a woman in need of free contraception, and the Marines will be there in minutes .
The White House tried to explain changes in the Benghazi talking points Friday. The fog of war is their best defense. When President Obama was told the U.S. consulate was under attack by Muslim terrorists, he asked the next three groups if he could play through.
USC hired former CIA Director David Petraeus to be a professor in residence Monday where he will teach on campus this fall. His expertise is adultery. Los Angeles college students love to take classes they had in high school, it’s the easiest A they will get all year.
Jodi Arias was convicted of murder after she stabbed her boyfriend two dozen times and shot him. It warns L.A. men to stay engaged in your relationship. It could be the last mistake you ever make if you get too wrapped up in your own life and forget the safe word
USA Today’s survey said Americans would spend around two hundred dollars apiece on Mother’s Day. That’s two hundred dollars per mother. It explains the need for high salaries in the NBA because Mother’s Day hits the average NBA player harder than Tax Day.
The IRS apologized for targeting Tea Party groups for extra scrutiny last year when they tried to raise money for their cause. It will make for an interesting trial. The tax collectors plan to read the Tea Party platform on the witness stand and plead self-defense.
Northwestern ordered students not to eat tacos, drink tequila or wear sombreros on Cinco de Mayo. It spoils the cultural exchange, When it’s John Wesley Day on the church calendar, students in Mexico eat a steak, refrain from sin, and colonize the nearest country.
NASA announced Thursday it will begin taking volunteers who are willing to live in a colony on Mars. They’d live in a protected bubble and pay no rent and be provided free food and free drinks. Americans have been training for this mission since the New Deal.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.