HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
President Obama rolled out his new motto, “Winning the Future,” on the campaign trail this week. The administration is beset by unemployment and mounting debts. As Lincoln once said, it’s a government of Charlie Sheen, by Charlie Sheen and for Charlie Sheen.   
A White House memo noted a shortage of high schools seeking President Obama as a graduation speaker Tuesday. The security is such a hassle. The kids don’t want to start out their adult life being frisked on the way into graduation and arrested for possession.   
Warner Brothers fired Charlie Sheen from Two and a Half Men Monday, leaving the world’s top-rated TV star jobless. The guy is very polarizing. Charlie Sheen is so adored in Hollywood and hated in the Bible Belt that Republicans naturally believe he was born in Kenya.
Charlie Sheen said he’s looking forward to a new life as himself Tuesday. This is a precarious time in his life health-wise. In the past thirty years hundreds of stars have gotten off alcohol and cocaine and within a year they were dead from food and sex.   
Congressman Peter King began hearings on Islamic radicalism in the U.S. Thursday, insisting he’s not profiling Arabs. In ten years two million blacks and forty thousand Latinos have converted to Islam. They just can’t get enough of that ethnic profiling stuff.
The U.S. Border Patrol in Arizona was ordered to fire only beanbags at Mexican drug runners Tuesday. No one’s happy. Arizonans want a wall, the cops say beanbags stop nothing, and Mexicans are demanding they use live ammunition because beans are an offensive racial stereotype.
Hillary Clinton was upset by an NCIS episode on CBS last week which depicted her being held hostage by al-Qaeda. It was her third appearance in a crime series. The first one ran for eight years in Arkansas and the second one ran for eight years in Washington.   
Redondo Beach reeked of millions of dead fish floating on the water Tuesday, killed by ocean algae off the coast of Los Angeles. It’s big news. Exxon has been advertising on TV that they can make fuel out of algae, and this is the first proof it could really run a car.
Congress received an independent report Tuesday saying that the U.S.
military has too many whites and too many men in charge. They can fix this in their pitch to recruits. All they’ve got to do is stop promising career training and start promising teacher’s pensions.
Wisconsin Republicans accused the Democratic state senators-in-hiding of sneaking back into the state to visit their wives.
What’s in the water this week? Charlie Sheen got sober and lost his job and Wisconsin politicians are sneaking into their own homes to have sex with their wives.
(Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.)