Now that the presumptive nominees are set, the presidential campaign has officially entered its “begging for money like we’re raising bail for our little sister who’s being held in a Turkish prison” stage. And a pre-convention lull has descended upon the proceedings like a moist blanket of sulk. Not to be confused with the post-convention lull, which will be similar but ratcheted up by a desperation factor of four.
Both campaigns have stalled like interstate highways under construction during rush hour on a holiday weekend, and stumbling on any actual new news is similar to finding football cleats in the Ballet Russe dressing room.
The big discussion right now is a little something called the “Veepstakes,” with all of Washington debating who the candidates should pick to make them more electable. You got your “top tier” list, your “short” list, and the “we’re only floating their names because they endorsed us and we need their mailing list” list.
So it’s time to play the only game in town, guessing who goes on the bottom of the bumper sticker, this week focusing on the Donald, which is tricky, because he’s insulted at least half the field of prospective suitors.
First off, old friend, Sarah Palin, because the two make such an adorable couple.
Bernie Sanders, who would give the New York businessman a partner with legislative experience, not to mention really sticking it in Hillary’s craw.
Newt Gingrich, who shares with the Donald the unbreakable bond of two ex-wives.
Ted Cruz, because the chance to see the two of them snarl and bark at each other for four months would become must see TV.
Ted Nugent, because nothing says “sticking it to the man” like a crazy aging long-haired rock and roller.
Ted Turner, because he and Trump are the yin and yang of 80s business failures.
Continuing the Ted thread, Ted Levine who played serial killer Buffalo Bill in “Silence of the Lambs.”
Texas Senator John Tower. Sure he died in 1991, but the posters would all read Trump/Tower and, as the man himself would tell you, “free publicity is free publicity.”
Ed McMahon, who although also dead, remains the ultimate “yes” man.
Boris Johnson, to nail down the wackiest hair in history ticket.
Phil Robertson, the elder of the Duck Dynasty clan because in comparison, the Donald would seem tranquil and serene.
Caitlyn Jenner, because that would really double down on the woman card and confuse liberals.
George Lopez, to play the green card. And if he turns it down, give it to Carlos Mencia, which would really tick him off.
Mike Tyson, because he was an early endorser and could translate some of Trump’s more complex policies.
Kim Kardashian, because her butt counts as two electoral votes and come on, you know you want it.
Gary Busey, in order to make the New York businessman look more presidential.
Dennis Rodman. See above.
Omarosa Manigualt-Stallworth would act as assassination insurance because nobody would dare touch a hair on Trump’s head for fear of giving her power over our navies.
And finally, Chris Christie as a reward for climbing so high up the Donald’s butt he runs the risk of being arrested for impersonating a suppository.
Will Durst is an award-winning, nationally acclaimed columnist, comedian and former Pizza Hut assistant manager