Looking for the dead-solid skinny on the upcoming presidential election? You’ve come to the right place. As a public service, we’re going to tell you right here and now who wins this thing, and why.
Mitt Romney will win because of Hurricane Sandy.
Barack Obama will win because of Hurricane Sandy.
Obama will win because his name isn’t Willard.
Romney will win because his name isn’t Hussein.
Romney will win because the economy sucks.
Obama will win because the economy doesn’t suck as bad as it did.
Obama will win because he’s credible.
Romney will win because he’s confident.
Romney will win because he has the momentum.
Obama will win because it’s fauxmentum.
Obama will win because he never strapped a dog to the roof of his car.
Romney will win because he never ate a dog.
Romney will win because he wasn’t born in Kenya.
Obama will win because he wasn’t born in Kenya.
Obama will win because he’s taller.
Romney will win because he smiles more.
Romney will win because NASCAR Dads want to be in charge again.
Obama will win because Wal-Mart Moms need to call Planned Parenthood.
Obama will win because he knows the people.
Romney will win because he knows the business.
Romney will win because Obama will run out of money.
Obama will win because Romney’s batteries will run down.
Obama will win by perfecting his ground game.
Romney will win by carpet-bombing the airwaves.
Romney will win because we all want to be rich.
Obama will win because we all believe we’re smooth.
Obama will win because of Paul Ryan.
Romney will win because of Joe Biden.
Romney will win because of all the right people.
Obama will win because of all the other people.
Obama will win because he isn’t Romney.
Romney will win because he isn’t Obama.
Romney will win because dark forces will gather behind him.
Obama will win because the Force will be with him. Always.
Obama will win because Michelle and the girls will make it happen.
Romney will win because Ann and the boys won’t let him lose.
Romney will win because he is a Latter Day Saint.
Obama will win because he wears a halo.
Obama will win because he’s not Mormon.
Romney will win because he’s not black.
Romney will win because his GOP compatriots will do whatever it takes.
Obama will win because his Democratic compatriots will stop beating each other up.
Obama will win because he makes us feel compassionate.
Romney will win because he makes us feel affluent.
Romney will win because people with money can count on him.
Obama will win because people without money can count on him.
Obama will win because his Super PACs will pummel Romney in swing states.
Romney will win because his Super PACs will slam Obama in swing states.
Romney will win because of Obamacare.
Obama will win because of Romneycare.
Obama will win because he’ll eke out Ohio.
Romney will win because he’ll slip by in Florida.
Romney will win because he’ll get more popular votes.
Obama will win because he’ll get more electoral votes.
So there you have it. The winner and the next president of the United States will be...one of those two guys. Probably.
Will Durst is a political comedian who has performed around the world. He is a familiar pundit on television and radio. E-mail Will at durst@caglecartoons.com.