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Will the real performer please stand up
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HOLLYWOOD - God bless America, and how’s everybody?
The Marine Band confirmed it pretended to play the National Anthem Monday while Beyonce lip-synced the song. She pretended to sing while the band pretended to play. Manti Te’o just hired them to perform at the memorial service for his imaginary girlfriend.
Baltimore Orioles legendary former manager Earl Weaver died last weekend. He set the record for the most times being thrown out of a game. At Earl’s cemetery service, six home plate umpires will lower his coffin and then take turns kicking dirt into his grave.
McDonald’s agreed to pay seven hundred thousand dollars to Muslims in Detroit for falsely claiming its food was prepared according to Islamic dietary laws. It was just a little harmless lie. Ground beef is not made by slaughtering cattle with suicide bomb vests.
Prince Harry admitted Tuesday he’s killed Taliban leaders from his helicopter while fighting in Afghanistan. He said he’s sorry cameras caught him partying nude in Vegas. That’s the difference between the paparazzi and the Taliban, the paparazzi can catch him.
President Obama spelled out a liberal vision of America in his Inaugural Monday. He embraced gay rights. climate change and big government. His slogan was Forward, which used to be Toyota’s slogan, although they didn’t tell us that the brakes had gone out.
Toyota settled sudden-acceleration crash lawsuits in Los Angeles Monday. It is scary how many of these cars are still on the road. Last week the Hubble telescope photographed two asteroids colliding and astronomers are calling the pattern of debris the Toyota Camry.
President Obama took the oath of office outside the U.S. Capitol Monday. He gave his Inaugural address before a half million people all bundled up. It was so cold in Washington D.C. that by the end of the Inaugural ceremony, everybody’s face looked like Nancy Pelosi’s.
The Washington D.C. City Council ordered the police to set up prostitution-free zones in certain city blocks near the Inaugural Day activities on Monday. You can’t make it up. Washington is so corrupt we just rope off areas where people actually follow the law.
The Inauguration Day crowd for President Obama’s speech in Washington was estimated at a half a million mostly young people Monday. Reporters noted the heavy smell of pot while much of the crowd spent the ceremony texting friends instead of listening. You can let the kids out of school, but you can’t get the school out of the kids.
ABC News commentator George Stephanopoulos apologized after he spotted Bill Russell at the Inaugural and identified him on the air as Morgan Freeman. It’s hilarious. It makes you wonder how many innocent black men are in jail because a caring liberal picked them out of the line-up.
Lindsay Lohan turned down ABC’s offer of $350,000 to compete on Dancing with the Stars Tuesday. She was wary of the entire proposition. Every time Lindsay spins in circles somebody pulls her over and she has to go back to court.
Phil Mickelson said Monday he may relocate his family to escape the higher federal taxes on the rich. It’s bad. The PGA stars have asked tournaments to stop putting their real names on the leader board because they don’t want to give the IRS their coordinates.
USA Today chided President Obama Tuesday for appointing white males to fill all his new cabinet post openings. The newspaper really took him to task. The president wrote a letter to the editor explaining that rich white men are in danger of extinction and if he doesn’t create a protected habitat for them, there will be no one to pay for the government.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at