Happy Wednesday, everybody, and God Bless America.
President Obama tried to calm public fears about the Texas border arrivals at Friday’s press briefing. He assured Americans that most of the illegal kids will be deported. That afternoon, 500 were deported to Maryland and a 1,000 were deported to Chicago.
Toledo’s Mayor Mike Collins took a big swig of Toledo’s water to show that Lake Erie drinking water is safe. For days it was poisoned by fertilizer and by waste runoff. The mayor either showed that the drinking water’s safe or he showed that the West has a leader Putin cannot kill.
Donald Trump called for a halt of all flights to the U.S. from Ebola-infected countries in Africa. His warning fell upon deaf ears just like the script says. Americans are ignoring the news about of the Ebola virus like we’re the lead character at the beginning of a zombie movie.
Chicago cops are on the lookout for two older white men who held up a drug store on the North Side. The bandits made off with the pharmacy’s entire supply of Viagra. Police issued a warning saying the two suspects might be packing guns or they may be really glad to see you.
CIA Director John Brennan apologized for the CIA’s spying on U.S. lawmakers in the House and Senate. He agreed spying on Congress was stupid. If the CIA wants to know all about the sex lives of middle-aged white people, the CBS prime-time line-up airs nightly for anyone to see.
The Big Bang Theory inked its stars to million-dollar-an-episode contracts Friday. It’s the number-one hit for CBS in prime time and for WB in syndication. The Big Bang Theory also fulfills a Department of Education order requiring the state of Kansas to provide science classes.
President Obama turned 54 years old in the White House Monday but he decided not to have any birthday party. At least, that’s what they told Joe Biden. To celebrate his birthday, the president forged a Kenyan birth certificate to get himself out of this miserable job.
Israel withdrew tanks from Gaza Monday after three bad weeks. It never ends. We live in a world where Muslims don’t recognize Israel, Jews don’t recognize Jesus, Protestants don’t recognize the pope, and where Southern Baptists don’t recognize each other in the liquor store.
The White House infuriated Israel and Israel’s supporters in the U.S. Sunday by lecturing Israel on the collateral civilian casualties in shutting down the Hamas tunnels in Gaza. The little lambs. Hamas denied using human shields, they just claim it was living rocket insulation.
North Korea announced it has opened a summer camp for children from all over the world Monday where kids can swim, play volleyball and learn about the culture. It’s run by North Korea’s government. The camp only lasts two weeks, that is, if the parents pay the ransom.
The New York Post reports the Kennedy family invited Senator Elizabeth Warren to their Hyannisport compound to urge her to run for president. She’s an opponent of Wall Street, big banks and capitalism in general. She may run for president under her Indian name, Dances with Marxism.
Syracuse was rated America’s number-one party school in the annual survey conducted by the Princeton Review. It’s their call to make each year. While teaching at Princeton, Albert Einstein decided to split the atom because he was unable to separate college students from beer. ISIS seized the Tigris River Dam above Mosul and vowed to flood Iraq with a 60- foot wave of water. They might also withhold water to farms if their demands are not met. Hardly a day goes by that Americans aren’t relieved we liberated Iraq from Saddam Hussein’s cruelty.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.