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Argus Hamilton
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HOLLYWOOD--God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Barack Obama’s college friend claimed the president sold cocaine back when he was in college. The story was obviously planted by Democrats. The attacks on Mitt Romney didn’t work so now Barack Obama is trying to portray himself as a successful businessman.
The New York Supreme Court ruled that lap dancing does not have the same culture benefit as ballet. They ruled community arts theaters are entitled to tax breaks but strip bars aren’t. Otherwise you can imagine the number of Kennedy Centers for the Performing Arts.
President Obama accused his opponent of Romnesia in Tuesday’s speech. Democrats define Romnesia as Mitt Romney reversing his old position. Republicans wouldn’t bet on it but they’re fairly certain that Romnesia became Zimbabwe after the natives took over.
The National Archives opened an exhibit on JFK and the Cuban Missile Crisis Tuesday on its fiftieth anniversary. It was cool being a kid during the crisis. We knew as long as we remained under our desks the teacher couldn’t catch us listening to the World Series.
Clark Kent quits the Daily Planet in the next issue of Superman Friday to write a blog. He tells his publisher he hates corporate life and quits. Superheroes don’t need health insurance benefits and if he needs a place to live, the artist just draws him a house.
Lance Armstrong was sued by companies for the return of their endorsement money Tuesday after he was stripped of his titles for doping. The turning point came when he tested positive for a substance that helps cyclists mask dishonesty. It’s called Bulltosterone.
An Italian court sentenced a meteorologist and a seismologist to six years in prison for manslaughter Monday for failing to predict a deadly earthquake. It’s far from the first time it has happened. Why do you think the prisons in California are so overcrowded?
London’s Star Trek convention drew a Guinness Book record of four thousand Star Trek fans in Starship Enterprise uniforms in one photo Monday. It could have been dangerous. There were so many virgins in one place it looked like an al-Qaeda staging area.
Southern California real estate values rebounded sharply in quarterly reports on Monday. The presidential campaign’s had an unintended effect on people. Suddenly the idea of living in Los Angeles is cool again, because air time is too expensive for political ads.
Washington D.C.’s City Council considered a ban on sugary drinks over sixteen ounces Tuesday. Next could be restrictions on caffeinated beverages, alcohol and tobacco. Mitt Romney hasn’t even been elected president and already sin is on the run in Washington D.C.
Piedmont High School football players in California organized a Fantasy Slut League this fall. They gain points by having sex with as many girls as possible. Every school has something like this but Piedmont is the first school to show replays on the Jumbo-tron.
Cuba announced details of its new travel policy on Tuesday. They said Cubans won’t need government permission to travel abroad. They’re not worried in the least about a brain drain because no doctor in his right mind would want to work in the U.S. medical system.
President Obama was aggressive in the third and final debate Monday in Florida. He made news when he said the U.S. government wasn’t going to go off the fiscal cliff. That is only because the cliff is completely blocked by Paul Ryan and a long line of wheelchairs.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at