Mr. Speaker, Mr. Vice President, members of Congress, the First Lady of the United States and my fellow Americans:
Last year’s State of the Union address was hailed by many as the greatest presidential speech of all time. For some, that would be plenty. But not for me. Tonight’s beautiful speech is even more incredible and will set a new TV ratings record.
I’d like you to meet Franklin Waters, who one year ago was working at a small television station in Lincoln, Nebraska, as I delivered the 2018 State of the Union. He reached for his coffee mug just as I noted that our massive tax cuts provide tremendous relief for people like Franklin.
Unable to judge the distance to the mug while keeping a watchful eye on a dozen TV monitors, Franklin’s coffee spilled. With split-second bravery, he threw himself onto the video console, knowing that the scalding beverage would undoubtedly burn his skin.
Thanks to Franklin’s courage, the station remained on the air and the people of Lincoln did not miss a minute of my gorgeous speech. Tonight, Franklin Waters is seated with Melania; please stand and join me in acknowledging his service.
(Applause)
While it is true that over the last 12 months we have failed to make progress on immigration, we will not give up. Young Max Schnitzel doesn’t give up either. As a second grade student in Largo, Florida, seven years ago, Max was told by teachers he would never grow big enough to play on the football team.
Undaunted, he followed our Executive Residence program of eating cheeseburgers, fries, soda and pie, in bed, round the clock. Today, 312-pound Max Schnitzel is a proud ninth grader. He hopes to play on the Largo football team if a uniform can be found to fit him.
Max is here tonight - a symbol of the American spirit and the Trump diet. Bravo, young man!
(Applause)
Over the course of the last year, North Korea has built and tested more than two dozen nuclear missiles, each capable of reaching Cleveland. We will stand firm in our resolve against this menace.
I’d like to tell you about Ji-Man Hwang, a professional baseball player from Seoul, South Korea. Undeterred by the threat from the North, Hwang played second base for the Hanwha Eagles for two seasons. After hitting .247, he received a $5 million signing bonus from the Seattle Mariners and will be playing this season for the Mariners’ Class A team, the AquaSox.
Ji-Man Hwang is in the gallery tonight. Although a foreigner, he embodies the American Dream. He stood up to the threat from the North, and he came here thanks to our new merit-based system that rewards those who have shown they can pay their own way without government assistance. Please salute him!
(Applause)
I’d like to end on a personal note. That gorgeous, well-built blond sitting in front of Melania tonight is Stephanie Clifford, an old friend some of you might recognize by her stage name, Stormy Daniels. As you know, in 2016 my lawyers paid Stormy $130,000 in return for her silence regarding our extra-marital affair.
Stormy’s story reminds us that anyone can make it in America as long as they’re willing to wheel, deal and, if necessary, prostitute themselves. It’s what I’ve done. It’s what I’ve taught my children. And it’s what we’ll all do to make American great again.
Stormy and I will be signing commemorative tee-shirts as you leave the building tonight. And don’t forget to join us here next year at this same time for the biggest State of the Union yet. Our guests in the gallery will include Patriots star Tom Brady, the entire cast of “Fox & Friends,” and North Korean hero Dennis Rodman.
Drive safely, and goodnight!

Peter Funt is a writer and speaker.