HOLLYWOOD - God bless America, and how’s everybody?
O.J. Simpson was granted a parole reducing his sentence to five more years in Nevada prison. He’s vindicated. O.J. was originally offered a plea bargain, either life in prison without parole or a season behind the Arizona Cardinals offensive line, and he took the life sentence.
The NFL opened training camps Sunday where players try to hone their skills. It’s all about repetition. Every day it’s running, drills and team practice, and every night the players must watch Law and Order reruns and see where the murderer made his mistake.
The New York Yankees waited all week to see how hard Major League Baseball would hit Alex Rodriguez for using PEDs. No one’s certain how much evidence they have. Alex Rodriguez just waived his no-trade clause so he can play gin rummy with Edward Snowden in Moscow’s Airport.
NBC announced Monday it will air a four-part miniseries about the life of Hillary Clinton that stars Diane Lane. It won’t be easy. To make the movie watchable for the entire family they may have to inject some sex into the love scenes between Hillary and Bill.
Monica Lewinsky’s secretly recorded messages to Bill Clinton 16 years ago were leaked to the Enquirer Thursday. This was the last thing Hillary needed now. There’s enough fresh evidence on the audio tape to impeach the Clinton Library and remove it from Arkansas.
Russian lawmakers said Wednesday that gay athletes could be arrested at next year’s Winter Olympics in Russia due to the country’s harsh new anti-gay laws. Military parades were the first thing affected. A general could find himself in a gulag if he smiles at the missiles a little too long.
Anthony Weiner released his first TV commercials in his race to be elected New York mayor. Two months ago when the campaign first began, he said more texts and lewd photos might come out and they have. He’s running as a politician who keeps his promises.
Tibet’s Dali Lama spoke in India Friday and praised India as the home of great thinkers, philosophers and spiritual masters. The Buddhist said when he retires he expects to be replaced by someone from India. So it’s official, Indians are taking over everyone’s jobs.
The Washington Post said the crime rate in New York and Los Angeles is one-fourth its level two decades ago. The elites have crowded out the criminals. Los Angeles is such a safe place to do business that you no longer have to send an intern down to start your car.
Clarksville High School teachers in Arkansas completed security guard and handgun training to carry loaded handguns in class. It’s a win-win. Parents will know that their kids are safe and drunk teenagers who stagger into class can claim they’re just serpentining.
Denzel Washington and Mark Wahlberg are starring in the violent action movie Two Guns, opening Friday. It’s a buddy comedy. On the movie poster, Denzel Washington is holding a black gun and Mark Wahlberg is holding a white gun, just as Dr. King prophesied.
President Obama declared Tuesday that the Keystone pipeline would only provide 50 permanent jobs. That’s true as far as it goes. However, you could say the New England Patriots only provide 50 permanent jobs but look at the jobs they generate in food, beverage, clothing sales, television ad revenue and, this year, blood spatter analysis and Bible sales.
San Diego mayor Rob Filner enters sex rehab Monday after nine women accused him of groping them in the workplace and while campaigning. He’s somewhat of a role model in the laid back city. After the TSA guys at the San Diego airport pat you down, you don’t hear anything for two days and then you get a text saying they’d like to start seeing other people.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.