HOLLYWOOD – God bless America, and how’s everybody?
  The Dawn of the Planet of the Apes begins shooting in Hollywood after Fox cast Gary Oldman and Keri Russell in the lead roles. What a story. In the movie, the apes take over everything, and in two months the budget is balanced and the national debt is paid off.
    NBC gave Jay Leno $15 milllion to bow out as host of the Tonight Show last week. This only two years after NBC gave Conan O’Brien $30 million not to host the Tonight Show. For some reason, America’s farm policy has come to the coast.    
The Texas Highway Patrol pulled over an oil tanker truck Friday on a routine traffic stop and found four tons of marijuana inside the oil tanker. It was on a routine run. Everybody has to be fully stocked when the Twinkies go back on the shelves in four weeks.    
The U.S. government announced Thursday it will study the possible human effects of cell phone radiation. We’ve had our ears glued to cell phones for the last 15 years. We’re so full of radiation that if North Korea attacks us we’ll just think the phone is ringing.    
The Weather Channel predicted spectacular spring thunderstorms across the United States complete with tornadoes and hailstorm. It begins soon. The National Weather Bureau issued a bulletin yesterday saying the five-day forecast for North Korea is two days.    
North Korea’s Kim Jung Un remained a mystery to Western intelligence Friday while tensions rose. They’ve watched him closely and made a few observations. His healthy eating plan calls for a cake for breakfast and a cake for lunch followed by a sensible dinner.    
Steven Spielberg’s Lincoln was released on DVD at video stores last week. The movie tells an important historical story. It’s about the moral struggle among Republicans to get the 13th Amendment passed to outlaw slavery and replace it with internships.    
President Obama’s budget would stop allowing people to collect unemployment and disability benefits at the same time. People take advantage of everything. Jesus Christ would have never found anybody to heal if the Roman Empire had paid disability benefits.    
The National Rifle Association gave details on their new plan to arm school teachers and avoid school shootings Thursday. Their one-size-fits-all plan won’t work in every city. In Los Angeles teachers prefer to disarm high school shooters by having sex with them.    
A federal judge ordered Friday that the morning-after birth control pill be available over-the-counter to women without a prescription. It must be available to girls of all ages. The morning-after pill now comes in four shapes and sizes--Fred, Wilma, Barney and Betty.    
Samoan Airlines begin charging all its passengers by the pound Tuesday. They stand you on a scale and weigh you at the airline counter. You could make a mint opening a sauna in the airport terminal to help Americans sweat off a few dollars before they board.    
Michelle Obama slipped during an interview with CBS Friday and referred to herself as a single working mother. That’s how she feels. She was married when the interview began, and then she heard what her husband said about the Attorney General of California.  
 President Obama called California’s Attorney General Kamala Harris the best-looking attorney general in America. It’s bad. Joe Biden may be in charge of the war with North Korea becuse Human Resources just ordered President Obama to sensitivity training class.                    
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.