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Merry Mayan apocalypse day
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HOLLYWOOD - Merry Christmas, everybody, and God bless America.
The New York Jets passed over Tim Tebow for the starting quarterback job and put him on the trading block Thursday. The same morning his supermodel girlfriend left him. Evangelical Christians were astonished that the Mayans could have such precise aim.
New York and Los Angeles nightclubs staged wild parties Thursday in advance of the Mayan calendar’s apocalypse. It was great for bar business. The Distilled Spirits Council announced plans to ask Congress to name the Mayan Apocalypse an annual federal holiday.
U.S. Olympic runner Suzy Favor-Hamilton was outed as a high-priced Las Vegas call girl Thursday who made six hundred dollars an hour for sex. She’s a great athlete. The news caused a lot of embarrassment for her one remaining sponsor, the U.S. Secret Service.
The Weather Channel reported blizzard conditions in the Midwest which shut down airports and snapped power lines Friday. Many were left without heat. It was so cold in Minnesota that the fire chief advised residents to stay warm by burning down their houses.
The Houston Texans report they will have a fourteen-thousand-square-foot stadium video screen. The fans want it. They don’t need it for the game or the cheerleaders, but during halftime in Texas they show Fox News, and everybody likes to see the anchors.
Hollywood’s Ben Affleck was reported Friday to be interested in running for John Kerry’s vacated U.S. Senate seat. He just turned forty. He’s tired of the insecurities of show business, and being a U.S. Senator guarantees you’ll still be working when you’re eighty-five.
Senator John Kerry was nominated by the president to be the next Secretary of State Friday. The current Secretary of State couldn’t be there. Hillary Clinton had a previous commitment across the city teaching the Washington Wizards how to flop and draw a foul.
Hillary Clinton didn’t testify in Congress Thursday over her failure to protect the U.S. Embassy in Benghazi from a pre-warned attack. She dodged impeachment by claiming she had a concussion and is woozy about details. Even O.J. can’t believe she got away with it.
Hillary Clinton ducked Congress Thursday saying she caught a stomach virus which made her dizzy which caused her to fall and hit her head which gave her a concussion making her unable to testify about Benghazi. So she escaped. Protestants don’t normally cite holy miracles but Hillary’s fellow Methodists are calling it the Immaculate Concussion.
The NRA questioned Friday why violent movies, TV shows and video games weren’t part of the discussion about child safety. There’s little doubt that gunfire sells tickets. Who’s going to pay a hundred bucks a ticket on Broadway to watch Annie Get Your Blanks?
NRA chief Wayne LaPierre called for cops to protect schools Friday, saying bad guys with guns can only be stopped by good guys with guns The clock is ticking on both sides of the argument. Republicans can’t lose the gun vote and the Democrats are determined to do something about all these shootings before they bring back prayer in public schools.
The Texas Highway Patrol was sued Thursday by two women they pulled over for littering and gave a full-body cavity search. It’s a federal policy now. Homeland Security just wants to give the people who choose not to fly the equal opportunity to be humiliated.
Mexico released U.S. Marine Jon Hammer from prison after four months Friday. They jailed him for carrying an antique shotgun over the border. The Mexicans hadn’t seen an antique shotgun since the battle of the Alamo and they’re still a little sensitive about it.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at