Yesterday morning I had a conversation with a friend that stayed with me long after we had finished talking.

We were talking about his son and how he sometimes keeps doing more and more because he just does not want to let anyone down. My friend smiled and admitted that his son probably got that from him because he had always been a people pleaser too.

I understood exactly what he meant, we all have these struggles at some point I think, but something about those words stuck me differently for some reason.

People pleaser.

We tend to say it as if it automatically describes something unhealthy. Don’t get me wrong, sometimes it does. But I found myself wondering if we occasionally label going above and beyond as people pleasing a little too quickly.

I said something along the lines of, “Maybe sometimes what we call people pleasing is just obedience to who we are called to be. Maybe we only start questioning it when obedience costs us something we would rather keep.”

That thought followed me home and into this morning as I write this.

Probably because I know I have wrestled with this for much of my adult life.

I have given my time, energy, attention, and sometimes my peace because I genuinely believed helping someone was the right thing to do. In the moment I would have called it generosity, kindness, maybe even obedience.

Then they did not respond the way I thought they would.

Maybe they were not as appreciative as I imagined. Maybe they barely noticed. Maybe they did not reciprocate. Maybe the outcome looked nothing like the one I had quietly pictured.

And that is when the little voice starts talking.

What the heck am I even trying for? Why am I spending all this energy on everyone else? Maybe I should just keep my time, energy, or money for myself to take care of my desires.

That is where this gets uncomfortable.

Was the original act really people pleasing? Or was I honestly trying to be obedient, only to discover later that I had attached an expectation to my obedience?

Maybe I was willing to give, but I expected gratitude. Maybe I was willing to show up, but I expected them to show up for me later. Maybe I was willing to sacrifice, but I wanted the sacrifice to be recognized.

If so, perhaps the problem was not the giving. Maybe the problem was the response I believed I was owed afterward.

But there is another kind of regret too.

Sometimes it has nothing to do with how the other person responded. Maybe I simply gave away the time and energy I needed for the things already in front of me, and afterward realized I had left myself with nothing to finish what I truly needed to do.

That raises a very different question.

Was I sacrificing something God asked me to sacrifice, or was I giving away something He had already asked me to steward?

That is where this becomes harder than simply deciding whether I am a people pleaser.

How do I know whether my yes is obedience or fear of disappointing someone? And how do I know whether my no is stewardship or simply selfishness?

Sometimes obedience will cost me something. It may require time I wanted to spend somewhere else, money I would rather keep, or energy I had planned to use differently.

If I decide that every inconvenience is unhealthy, I may start calling obedience people pleasing simply because I do not like what obedience costs.

But the opposite can be just as dangerous. Not every request is an assignment from God. Not every need belongs to me. Not every cross somebody hands me came from God.

There are burdens love asks us to carry and sacrifices God asks us to make. But there are also burdens we pick up because we cannot tolerate a person we may care about being disappointed in us.

That is why I am beginning to think stewardship may be a more helpful word than self care. Stewardship asks me to consider what God has already placed in my care.

My marriage. My family. My health. My time. My finances. My energy. My responsibilities. My relationship with Him.

I have to remember that sometimes saying no is actually protecting something that God has already asked me to care for.

And sometimes saying yes may simply be me protecting someone’s image of me.

I like being dependable. I like to be generous. I like to be the guy who shows up. The person people know they can call. Those are good qualities. Until I begin needing them to prove something about who I am.

So I began asking myself a different question.

If I knew this person would still love me, respect me, and think well of me after I said no, would I still feel obligated to say yes?

That question exposes quite a bit about our motives.

So, maybe the goal is not becoming better at saying yes. And maybe it is not becoming better at saying no.

Maybe it is becoming better at recognizing whose voice is directing the answer.

Paul wrote in Galatians 1:10, “If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ.”

There is nothing wrong with pleasing people. Making someone happy, lightening a burden, showing up, being generous, or going beyond what is expected can be beautiful expressions of good stewardship and love.

The danger comes when pleasing them becomes the reason I need to do it.

Pleasing people can be an expression of love. Living to please people can become a prison.

A Practice To Cultivate

Before giving your next yes or your next no, pause long enough to ask who is directing the answer.

If you believe God is asking you to say yes, say yes, even when obedience costs you something you would rather keep. But if saying yes means neglecting something God has already entrusted to you, have the courage to consider whether no might actually be the faithful answer.

Carry the burdens that are yours to carry and learn to leave the others where they belong.

And when you do give, give freely. Encourage people. Serve them. Be generous. Show up. Go above and beyond when you believe God is leading you there.

Just do not need their approval to make your obedience worthwhile.

Before your next yes or your next no, ask yourself:

Am I doing this because I am afraid to disappoint them, because I am trying to protect myself from inconvenience, or because I genuinely believe this is what God is asking of me?

Then have the courage to follow the answer.

‘Well Rooted’ is a new column to the Great Bend Tribune written by Jeremy Elliott. Elliott owns a lawncare business and lives in the Great Bend area.